Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
