i want to swaddle you in tequila
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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