Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize