You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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