i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just found puke in my bra..
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
