I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
