i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I looked at my own cervix.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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