My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
