I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
