I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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