Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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