Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize