Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
