I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
