Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
