I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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