my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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