i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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