Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
