I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
