I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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