I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
