Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Of course I have a pirate flag
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
