he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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