I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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