Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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