even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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