He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
