Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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