Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
