she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
