Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
