i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I don't think brook has ever known best
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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