so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
