if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
it was like eating out sand paper
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
