I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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