he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There's always time for handjobs
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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