I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize