Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
