The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
