Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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