i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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