Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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