broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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