How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
