is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
