guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
