mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
