Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
