spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
