Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
