just come out here and I will go home with you...
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
