I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
