The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
ugly people sure do ruin things
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
