Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
