turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
