I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
