um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize