this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
