I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
